Marta Shishlo - 2020

I remember being asked to share my testimony two times before and my response was, “well… I don’t know if I even have one, I guess I grew up in a Christian family like everyone else and believed in God my whole life so…” I went to church, read the Bible, went on missionary trips and even went up for altar calls. The list just goes on, but in the midst of it I didn’t pay attention to my list of sins that was so much greater. My Christian life was based on what I would DO, when really our Christian lives are supposed to be based on what Christ has DONE on the cross for us. My lifestyle convinced others and myself that I was a Christian, when really, I was just a good actress that even managed to fool herself. I thought that the ritual prayers I whispered every night in bed for my sins were enough, and I hoped that if there was a possibility, I wouldn’t wake up the next morning that I would go to heaven. I knew heaven and hell was real, I even knew God, but He did not know me (Matthew 7:23.) I would later realize that it was because I didn’t have a personal relationship with Him. (There’s an illustration to put that in perspective. Imagine you show up to the white house, we all know the president, and so if we ask the guards or whoever is at the gate to let us in, they won’t let us in unless the president himself will walk out and tell the guards to let us in because he knows us. It doesn’t matter or depend on whether we know the president, but whether he knows us.) I lived off encouraging Bible verses instead of the true Gospel. I noticed that my greatest fear in life was going to hell, it was not the fear of God Himself, but of His wrath. I tried to convince myself that what drove me to prayer was my desire for God, not my desire to be in heaven one day. My previous life reminds me of a question that would have left me speechless because of a terrifying realization: John Piper said, “If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ were not there?” That’s what heaven to me was though, an eternally long dream vacation. God to me was basically a genie, sadly, because I prayed to Him whenever life was good, and when it wasn’t then I would blame Him.

This was especially evident last year when quarantine began. It wasn’t that I was upset about the quarantine itself, in fact, I was quite thankful for it. However, my relationships with others were being ruined, along with other events/reasons, and when you’re home all day alone with your thoughts, it can become a scary place. I would blame myself, which made me feel worthless and honestly like trash, and I remember many nights filled with tears, because my “joy” depended on temporary things of the world that were being taken away from me. This was the lowest I had ever been in my life and you know what I did? I would fill my time with distractions that were ungodly and that would leave me satisfied (or so I thought) but only for a while. I kept reassuring myself that what I was doing was not so bad, that it was okay because I could just go to God later and ask for forgiveness like I always did, because what did I grow up hearing? I heard that He loves everyone and so I thought that He wouldn’t care, right? He only cares if I come to Him, that’s all that matters, right? I knew God was love, but ignored the fact that He was a just God as well who hates sin. One Sunday morning, my family and I were watching our church service live and at the end, they were announcing about SFG Bible School that was going to be happening at our church that summer. I remember my mom asked me whether I was going, when I answered no she asked me why. I later would ask myself that same question, because originally, I wanted to go next year (2021). During that time when all the riots were happening, and just the state the country was in, the future did not seem so bright and I honestly didn’t think there would even be an SFG Bible School the next year; so, I decided that there was nothing to lose. I signed up that evening.

Summer came and I went to Bible School and made a lot of new great friends in addition to learning a lot about who God is. One evening we had a movie night or more specifically – a documentary night. When I heard, we were going to watch a documentary, as you can expect, I was not excited about it because any documentary=boring, but decided to watch it anyway. The documentary was called “American Gospel: Christ Alone.” A brief summary: American Gospel examines how the prosperity gospel (the Word of Faith movement) has distorted the gospel message, and how this theology is being exported abroad. As I was listening, it felt like I had never heard the Gospel before. It felt like I was hearing the Gospel for the first time that night. Even though I grew up in the church, this time it wasn’t just going into one ear and out the other, but it was actually going into my heart. It was the beginning of an amazing work of God. I realized that there is absolutely nothing I can do that will get me into heaven, not even praying, going to church, missionary trips, all the things that I did. Of course, all of those things are good but they are considered nothing if God doesn’t have my heart, and I didn’t have God in my life. God, who is love and anything done without love is nothing because what does 1 Corinthians 13:2 say? That, “If I don’t have love, I am nothing.” I was so captivated by what I was hearing that I remembered that I didn’t even get up for free ice cream when they brought some because I didn’t want to miss a word.

Two hours later, the documentary ended and I was left stunned and with so many thoughts. I later went home and was not able to fall asleep because of all those thoughts; the memories of my past sins would resurface and wouldn’t leave me in peace. I felt so guilty and shameful, the weight of it all was so overwhelming that I could not bear it inside myself any longer. So, I remember I got out of bed and went downstairs where no one was sleeping, got down on my knees and just cried it all out to God. I remember I was on my knees for hours and experienced a joy I never felt before, a joy that did not depend on temporary worldly things but on God Who is eternal. God saved me, He pulled me out of my dirt, washed me in mercy, He cleansed me with His blood and made me into a new creation. I don’t think I will ever understand why He saved me, why He chose me out of the billions of other people living in this world who I was no better than. (Because in Romans it says all have fallen short to the glory of God) There is also a quote, “The harlot, the liar, the murderer, are short of it; but so are you. Perhaps they stand at the bottom of a mine, and you on the crest of an alp/mountain; but you are as little able to touch the stars as they are.” Everyone falls short, but everyone can be justified freely by His amazing grace. Nor will I ever fully comprehend the love that held Him on the cross for me, because it wasn’t the nails that held Him there, it was our sin, my sin, that put Him there. God saw my need for a Father, for a Friend, for Whom I will be forever grateful. Even though day to day we fail Him, we know that He will never fail us, He gave me an assurance that He will never turn me away. He gave me everlasting life, eternal love and changed me forever.

Praise God! He gave me an assurance that He will never cast me away, that nothing will ever separate me from His love for me. (Romans 8:38-39) Now, my lifestyle is driven by the love I have for Him, not because I have to, or it’s the Christian thing to do, or what I have to do to play the role of a Christian well, but it’s because I want to please Him. I know that I will never be capable of loving Him the way I should, nor will I ever be able to repay Him for His sacrifice, and what He did, but what’s awesome is that He doesn’t ask that of me! He just expects me to abide in Him, for His child to obey Him and to just have a relationship with Him, with her Heavenly Father! May God’s name be glorified, Amen!